Do What Scares You
I woke up and realized I had no plans for the weekend, which was not normal. I usually go out for brunch with friends, or ask someone out, or simply go on solo artist dates. But that Saturday morning, I had a blank canvas. I got out of bed, watered the plants, and then cleaned my apartment. When I dusted the wooden shelf in my study, I noticed my camera. When was the last time I picked that up? I thought.
One of my favorite things is to photograph people. When I’m outside in the streets with my camera, I lose track of time, it is something that brings joy in my life. So I wondered why haven’t I done it in a while. Today is the perfect day, I thought. I replaced the batteries in the camera, wiped the lens, and cleaned up the memory card. This is going to be fun, I smiled, and walked out of my apartment.
In the past, whenever I photographed people in the streets, I felt like I was one with the universe. It’s a feeling described as “the flow” by the legendary psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. During flow, people typically experience deep enjoyment, creativity, and a total involvement with life. But that Saturday morning, I didn’t get in the flow. What the hell is wrong? I sighed, and put the camera back into my bag.
On the way home, my phone beeped, there was a message from a friend who is an accomplished filmmaker. He mentioned that he loved reading my earlier blog post, Think Big, Act Small, Start Now. “Though I wonder,” he wrote, “what if along the way - that you achieved a feat - and then lost interest. It’s not as challenging anymore as it used to be. How does one reinvent themselves? Existential crises?!?!!?”
Woah, I thought. What were the chances that I was going through the same thing. Then I remembered what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote in his book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience that in order to be in the flow, the task must be challenging. I didn’t know about my friend’s level of mastery, but for me, using my current camera or the subject matter I photographed was very easy. So how can I make it more challenging? I looked up at the sky. But there was no divine intervention, no thunder, no epiphany.
I got home, changed into my pajamas, and put the camera back on the wooden shelf. Now I feel worse than before, I thought. I picked up my phone and re-read my friend’s message: “…Existential crises?!?!!?” May be, I thought, and looked out the window. My phone beeped. There was a notification from Wondery’s new podcast, The Great Creators with Guy Raz, in which he interviewed Audra McDonald, who has won six Tony Awards - more performance wins than any other theater actor. How does she keep her acting challenging? I wondered, connected the Bluetooth on my phone to the speakers, and played the podcast.
In the middle of the episode, Audra McDonald said something that gave me goosebumps. I paused, rewound the audio and listened to it again. She told Guy Raz that each new role she ever took scared her, and why that fear was actually essential to her work. This is it! I paused the audio, copied the link to the podcast, and sent it to my friend. “You gotta listen to this,” I wrote, “BTW is there anything that scares you?”
As soon as I sent the message, a thought swarmed into my mind: I’m so scared of using strobes.
I have always used natural light for my photography, because using manual strobe flashlights looks very complicated, and honestly I’m scared shitless to even try. Nah that’s okay, I can find something else that’s more challenging, I consoled myself. I can try wildlife photography, I thought, I’m sure that will be challenging. I pictured myself in the wilderness with my camera (using natural light.) At that moment, it dawned on me that the best advice we can take is the advice we give to others. I knew that if I shot with strobe flashlights, I would make a fool of myself, but I also knew that because it would be challenging, it would put me in the flow.
When I pictured myself using the strobe flashlight, I felt scared. Fuck it, I thought. I went online, found the right strobes, and clicked purchase.
