Love, Lust, and Love Handles

Warning: This is a graphic story. If you’re not comfortable reading about sex, please don’t go any further. You have been warned.

She was on her couch, fully naked, but I couldn’t get it up. This happened once before, 12 years ago, when I slept with my first love. Since then I haven’t fallen in love or have ever lost a boner. It only got stronger, not the love, but the boner. Until last night, when it all came back.

A quick back story. 12 years ago, I fell in love for the first time in my life. I knew it was my first love, because I realized that all the previous ones were just infatuations, obsessions, or puppy love. That relationship also made me realize that I cared way too much about everything. I wanted our life to be a perfect fairy tale. So the first time I went to her place for a sleepover, and took my clothes off, she asked, “do you do any core exercises?” I looked at my non-existing abs, and lost my boner instantly.

That’s called sexual performance anxiety. If you have never heard of it before, let me explain. Some people have body image insecurities such as weight or worry about their ability to satisfy a partner, so at times they can’t perform at all. In my case, I was worried that she might not find my body appealing, and won’t get an orgasm, or worse I might come too fast. So that night when the time came to do the in and out in and out, my woody wood pecker refused to get up. That was 12 years ago, but I still remember everything vividly, the floral patterns on her bed sheets, the sound of her sigh, and the silence after. But my ex was gracious. She told me not to worry, because she had witnessed that before with another guy (hot girls that date not so hot guys can attest to that.) So we went to sleep, woke up in the middle of the night, and did it, twice.

I thought I would never have to witness such a horrendous act again, but it happened last night. Yes, I thought I was in love once again. I cared way too much, and I wanted a new fairy tale.

She was the new girl in my life. The one I met last month. Since then we went out consistently. I didn’t tell her, but I thought I was falling for her. It’s been too long since I felt that way. Last night, she invited me for a sleepover. We watched The Midnight Club on Netflix, drank Pina Colada, and ate pineapples. (If you ever anticipate oral sex, you must eat pineapples. Whatever you do, don’t eat asparagus. Trust me, I have learned it the hard way.)

We enjoyed the pilot episode of The Midnight Club, but after that we just made out while the show played in the background. The whole time I was so hard, it turned into blue balls, I felt like a teenager who couldn’t keep it in his pants. “Let’s go to the bedroom,” I said.

“No, let’s do it on the couch,” she kissed me, and took her clothes off.

Wow, I thought, she’s hotter than I imagined, I pulled my jeans down, and shoved it to the side.

She came behind me, and helped me take my t-shirt off, but it got stuck on my head. “Do you do any squats?” she squeezed my butt.

I flexed, but nothing contracted. “Of course I do,” I gulped.

“You should get a personal trainer,” she grabbed my love handles.

Fuck me, I thought, not again. I felt the blood rush out of my pecker. What was I supposed to say? Stop being a bitch, because now my dick is being a dick. But instead, I said, “I didn’t go to the gym this week, work has been busy,” and thought about how imperfect my body was.

She kissed me on my neck, and slid her hand down. “What’s wrong?” she looked me in the eyes.

“Nothing, let’s take a break,” I said.

“What the fuck,” she put her hands on her waist, “are you gay?”

“No,” I said, “it’s just that you made me feel…”

She raised her eyebrows, “I don’t get it,” she laid down on the couch.

“I want to share something with you,” I said.

“Share what?”

“Something personal. Something that happened 12 years ago,” I said.

“Not now.” she grabbed my hand, and placed it between her legs, “look, I’m so wet.”

WTF, I thought.

“Go down on me,” she said, “we’ll talk later.”

Oh well, I thought, at least she ate pineapples tonight.